They gave me a button!
Ok, I have a thing about reviews, I do try to avoid writing any reviews on something if I have too much trouble finding anything positive to say about it, but at the same time, I also try to avoid reviews when I have too much trouble finding anything negative to say about it. I try my best to give every detail of the good and the bad, but this… it fanboyed the shit out of me, and I got nothin’ for the bad—I’m really trying to think of something bad to say, I swear. But, because I promised you a review, here we go anyway.
First, to reference my last review, I saw this in 3D, and it was fucking beautiful from beginning to the very, very end (I included the post-credit scene in that ‘very’—which you better remember to stay for).
It starts off with a prologue set in 1988 with Peter Quill (aka Star-Lord) as a child. He’s lost in his head listening to his Walkman, with a tape labeled “Awesome Mix Vol. 1,” we zoom out and reveal he’s sitting in a hospital when his grandfather comes to get him to see his mother who is at the very final stages of cancer—sorry, but you’ll have to just tough it out, you’re about to find yourself crying during a prologue (I know, right). She dies, and he storms off breaking down in front of the hospital, where a huge ship suddenly tracker-beams him up. End prologue… you can stop crying now.
Flashforward to the present and we have an interstellar Indiana Jones, who gives us a song and dance number that puts ‘Spider-man 3’ to shame. While he’s nabbing a metallic orb, he is interrupted by Korath and his people who apparently also want the orb, but wish to arrest him so their boss, Ronan the Accuser, can question him, which is then interrupted by a BA escape scene which is only mildly topped by a later escape scene.
This results in Star-Lord now having two different people looking for him, working for Ronan, Gamora, daughter of the Mad Titan, Thanos, wants the orb, and Yondu Udonta, revealed to be the crime boss that abducted him and “saved” him, wants him captured so he can kill him, and he wants the orb, but to sell.
We then go to Rocket Racoon and Groot who are scanning people for possible bounties, and come across Star-Lord with his fresh new bounty who’s visiting the Broker to sell the orb to, and then throws him out when he discovers Ronan wanted it.
Gamora, flirts, kicks, grabs, and runs quick enough to make things look clearly too easy, and she and Star-Lord wrestle while Rocket and Groot get in the middle, only to be finally interrupted by Nova Corps (aka Marvel’s Green Lantern Corps).
They’re thrown in prison, and a lot of people want to kill Gamora for helping Ronan destroy anything that wasn’t Kree. We then meet Drax the Destroyer, who has the biggest grudge and is only stopped by Star-Lord convincing him that Gamora would serve as bait for Ronan.
We then dive into the next BA escape.
They’re out, and headed to the Collector (you remember him, he was in the ‘Thor: the Dark World’ post-credit scene where we first hear the phrase “infinity stones”). The collector opens the orb and finally reveals what it is, right before his slave makes it go boom making the heroes of the story realize that it would be safer if handed over to the Nova Corps (well, Star-Lord still wants to sell it, without getting arrested), but before this is a thing, Ronan shows up because Drax is an idiot, and coincidently, Yondu arrives, resulting in the orb being taken by Ronan, everyone else captured and making deals with Yondu.
Deals are struck, and a plan to take on the now infinitely powered Ronan with the help of Nova Corps opens up to a huge battle in every direction. Gamora takes on Nebula, who really didn’t get much foreground story use until now, and ends with Nebula falling into nowhere (safe to assume we’ll see her in another movie). Rocket is outside helping Nova Corps in massive dogfights, that is going more south than not. And then, ending in the most touching speech from Groot that will have you in tears… again… sorry. Tears everywhere, Rocket blasts Ronan and Star-Lord and crew take on the infinite power and kaboom him to death… to… death.
More crying… so much crying… so, so much crying—and yay, most everyone is alive except everyone who’s dead, lets party, and stuff. We give vague explanation that the big badaboom didn’t kill Star-Lord because his daddy is a BA (*cough* Jason of Sparta *cough*), and now his ship is fixed and Nova Corps is cool with them for now.
We’re on the ship, more tears and crying, “Awesome Mix Vol. 2”, and onward to new adventures!
Now sit and count how many people stay before the end credits while you sit and wait like a good little fanboy/girl. Now I won’t reveal the post-credit, but just to squash one of the rumors so you don’t find yourself crying from disappointment later, a scene with Nathan Fillion as Nova does not happen—I’m not saying it won’t still be a thing later, I don’t give up hope that easily, but it’s not a thing for now. So just be cool, clap your hands, and say you believe and someday it will happen. The scene you do get is funny more for people my age though, for the rest of you kids, just tell you parents about it so they can explain it to you.
And, that’s about it… see… that was the most commentary void review I’ve ever done… it just feels empty. If it wasn’t for all the damned crying, I’d barely have anything at all.
So… um… the rating 4 out of 5, it didn’t give me shit to bitch about, resulting in a boring review—that shit ain’t coo’. Plus, so much crying making me so wet for so completely the wrong reasons—I’m not really sure what the right reasons are, but those can’t be them. The best thing we can really say about how awesome this was, is that it hopefully will open up the door a little wider to allow space operas to be a thing again. This world sucks, and we’re very in to looking far upward as our escape right now—give us something to look at. ‘Star Trek’ and ‘Star Wars’ aren’t the only franchises available, Flash Gordon, Buck Rodgers, and even another try at John Carter (with a less idiotic marketing agency maybe), and so much more are still there, let’s let the awesomeness of ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ be that thing that smacks Hollywood awake and gives us what we want (possibly in TV too).